Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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