Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
