We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
