Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
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I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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