i need an iv and a liver transplant
babies were throwing up all over the place
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
