the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
