Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
