New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
