No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
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He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
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I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.