My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
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WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
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A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music