so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
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the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
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Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now