And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
