My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
