What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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