I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
