Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
