every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
