my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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