Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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