I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
