shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
