Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
