I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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