Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
