Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Is it because I queefed?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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