I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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