I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
