so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
