you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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