He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
