I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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