she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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