last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
