Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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