My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
