I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
