Welp...herpes.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
