youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
