it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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