I accidentally had phone sex last night
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Randomize
