I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
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Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
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You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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