All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
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I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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