I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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