Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
