Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
