i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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