this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
