fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
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I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
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I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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