So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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