Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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