Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
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