My sheets look like a crime scene.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
