I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
