i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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