My sheets look like a crime scene.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i came on her dog
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
