I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
