our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
