I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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